I still retain my buff and blue

Flying the flag for well-dressed blogging

2005-12-19T16:03:00.000Z

It appears someone wishes to awaken this blog from the depths of slumber into which it had crept.

"I can vouch from first-hand experience that these fine fellows dressed in the fashion that JP promotes, but as you can see they have all but given up blogging, unfortuantely. Which just leaves Wardytron to fly the flag for well-dressed blogging, I think. And Norman Geras, of course."

http://hurryupharry.bloghouse.net/archives/2005/12/19/recognise_anyone.php

Perhaps I shall return in the New Year in the fashion of a dandified Barbarossa. Now, however, my liver demands special attention and I have neither the time nor the opportunity to sort things out.

Coincidence?

2005-06-30T22:20:00.000+01:00

I'm usually a sceptical about surveys (four out of every ten are made up) but here are two unrelated ones which appear to back each other up.

The Irish are a very happy bunch - and they take a lot of drugs.

And if you believe only five per cent of Irish adults take cannabis, well good luck to you.

Persian punch

2005-06-18T17:51:00.000+01:00

Hitchens in Iran

I found a bootlegger on my arrival at Tehran's airport and was offered alcohol on principle in every home I entered—Khomeini's excepted—even by people who did not drink.

News travels fast, doesn't it?

Well, well, wellio welio-oh, well, well, well, well, well

2005-06-17T17:30:00.000+01:00

Plenty of reminders in recent weeks about the sleaze of the Haughey era. By coincidence I was reading one such report while listening to Fela Kuti’s ITT.

If I were a fancy pants podcaster, I’d play it for you now. As it is you’ll have to go and buy a copy, or go and download it if you haven’t got one; trust me, it’s great.

I was struck by the lyrics:

They pick a man… of low mentality to become of high position… then go to friend, friend to journalist; he friend, friend to commisssioner; friend, friend to permanent secretary; friend, friend to minister; friend friend to head of state, then start, start to steal money… like Charlie Haughey and Ray Burke.

Okay, he didn’t sing the last bit. Ireland’s not as corrupt as Nigeria (that’s not meant to be as damning as it sounds), but here’s Kevin Myers (subs required) on the link between garda corruption and the high-handed attitude to power typified by CJH and chums,
A taster:

But there was more to Sean Doherty than that. On his watch, the rule of law almost ceased to exist in Roscommon, as he obliged his petitioning constituents in relation to drunk-driving and speeding charges. What garda was ever going to risk his career with such a man, who had absolutely no sense of right or wrong? For his real duties were defined not by any morality, but by loyalty to the extended clan that was his constituency, and his tribal chief who was Charles Haughey.

Indeed, he was not a political representative of a modern, secular society in which government serves the state; the reverse was the truth. He truly was a pre-Enlightenment man, who saw the state merely as a useful instrument to be manipulated in the service of his party and its leader....

Moreover, one factor above all else made it obligatory not to hide the truth behind the usual parade of obsequies: the Garda scandal in Donegal...

Now this scandal did not occur somewhere in the wilder reaches of the Belmullet peninsula or Connemara, but in the front line of the Border war against terrorism, the very area where our most élite and dedicated gardaí should have been deployed. Instead, we got corner-boys and liars who, far from being sacked after the shocking Morris revelations, have not even been suspended; instead, lucky, lucky Dublin is to have the benefit of their services.

In other words, there is something rotten at the heart of justice in Ireland, and this rottenness was not the creation of Sean Doherty but the concoction of generations of political manipulation of An Garda Síochána.

PS: For those of you who are a bit slow on the uptake and who wondered at my characteristic sneering response to Geldof’s pious mitherings on the G8 debt relief deal, there’s a clue in ITT. The title for starters, plus the mantra (oppression, inflation, corruption… aids) might point you in the right direction.

Splendid fellows

2005-06-17T17:26:00.000+01:00

I like the sound of the Aka tribesmen profiled in the Graun recently. Quite rightly they let the women do their share of going out hunting while the chaps sit around doing the central African version of sitting around watching daytime TV. I should imagine it would be even easier than a househusband’s job in Europe. For instance, I doubt that hunter gatherers have to worry about the kids sticking their fingers in electric sockets so they can probably leave them to it.

Sadly it doesn’t say whether their womenfolk are the sort who would insist on doing the cleaning again – thereby making it easier to get away with a half-arsed effort – to meet some, superior, feminine standard.

Anyhow, they seem ideal role models until the glorious day when we can persuade women to do all the tough and unpleasant tasks themselves.

"It is a glorious prospect, for an idle fellow." Jerome K Jerome.

Facilitating exchange and mutual critique between the world's people (actual three-dimensional people)

2005-06-16T22:30:00.000+01:00

One would hope that the senior figure in church founded on murky compromise, cups of tea and, erm, Henry VIII's sex life would be a patient, forgiving soul. If so, Dr Rowan Williams must have read The Times report of his speech on the media with a more-in-sorrow-than anger sigh.

In a superb vindication of the Murdoch world, his plea for a more “more realistic, less fevered" approach was misrepresented somewhat in the hunt for a good headline.

And so it came to pass that Harry's Place waxeth wrath, verily until the Gruaniad's online edition of the speech came unto them. At which there was great tut-tutting and wringing of hands as the liberal media basketh in their own virtue as do the dolphins in a new age voyage of self discovery.

The Times's timing was even better in that it came in the week when Dominic Lawson finally got the boot from the Sunday Torygraph - the same rag which announced that the tsunami had caused the archbish to question his faith. Of course, he had done no such thing.

In many ways the archbishop seems like a good egg, but he really has only himself to blame when he makes pronouncements - his argument is basically the media needs to be careful not to get too full of its self-importance and try to be as accurate and fair as possible - which make certain blogs seem like models of clarity and brevity. "Unpoliced conversation" was an unfortunate phrase; "they are designed to speak to God and to each other and to give names to the things of the world around them. They are who they are in and through how they communicate" is classical academic jargon.

The header here is taken from his speech. It's what I should be doing on this blog were I a good Anglican. Which I'm not.

Roll out the pork barrel

2005-06-15T22:50:00.000+01:00

The Irish genius for lip service strikes again. In a bid to revive a language few people understand, the government pursuades the EU to translate all its stuff into Irish; a great way to get people reading it.

Plenty of dissenting views, and a long debate on Slugger O'Toole.

For me though, any language in which the word for rat and Frenchie are the same* deserves all the help it can get.

* Spelled francach and Fhrancaigh respectively. Francach pertains to official French things which will soon resemble to proverbial sinking ships.

Speak for yourself mate

2005-06-15T22:38:00.000+01:00

Millionaire Bob Geldof on the G8 debt relief deal: “Tomorrow 280 million Africans will wake up for the first time in their lives without owing you or me a penny from the burden of debt that has crippled them and their countries for so long.
“Money we didn’t even know we were owed and never wanted in the first place."

Some of us could use the money you know. It's not as if we're going to build a fifth palace or buy arms with it.

Still it's great to see world leaders acting altruistically... what's that?

Reasons to read newspapers, but not to watch TV

2005-05-28T18:28:00.000+01:00

It has come to my attention that Channel Four is screening a most objectionable programme called Big Brother. It would appear that owing to an unfortunate misreading of George Orwell's prescient novel, the programme makers have conceived of an entertainment whereby, like visitors to Bedlam of old, we are invited to laugh at the antics of various lunatics suffering from sundry disorders such as self-delusion, sexual incontinence, psychopathy and tediousness.

Obviously I have no intention of promoting the wretched affair but I was highly amused to learn that one of this year's contestants is the intriguing Derek Laud: a black, gay, fox-hunting Tory, with a knack for getting himself into unfortunate scrapes.

The reason I mention this odd fish is that he was once the subject of one of the finest newspaper profiles I have ever read (in the Observer, pre-internet I'm afraid; you'll have to visit their HQ if you wish to read it in full).

Apart from quoting his merry ripost to a hunt saboteur who told him "A hundred years ago they'd have been chasing you" - "And two hundred years ago I'd have been eating you." It contained the most brilliant euphemism I have ever encountered. Clearly he was somewhat more cagey about his sexuality in those days, because he was described as "a confirmed bachelor, like most of his close friends". Genius.

Reasons not to read newspapers

2005-05-28T18:11:00.000+01:00

When uber-Blairite David Aaronovitch bid farewell to the Graun's G2 section (I assume Seamus Milne wouldn't let him anywhere near his shrine to the blessed George of the oil vouchers) he signed off with the modest remark:

With writers such as Emma Brockes, Laura Barton, Lucy Mangan and Hadley Freeman, not to mention the comic talent of Tanya Gold, you won't miss me.

Sure enough, the amount of tooth-furring bollocks in G2 has remained steady since he left for the Times. By the far the worst has been the following mini-autobiography from Sue Townsend during her stint doing the prize quiz:

Sue Townsend will never forget the night of "shock and awe" when Baghdad was bombed by British and American planes. She wonders if Tony and Cherie gathered their children together to watch the television as the bombs fell on the children of Baghdad.

For uninformative smugness this is hard to beat. Why remember that rather than, say, mass murder in various parts of Africa? Does she imagine a Prime Minister who's just started a deeply unpopular war would have nothing better to do at the time?

Surely she doesn't feel the little virtuous glow of those so convinced of their rightness that there couldn't possibly be an alternative view?

I have no especial desire to choose between the self-deluding hypocrites on both sides of this overblown debate, but I must say that Sue Townsend's approach is as simplistic as Fox News's; only considerably more annoying.

Kill all hippies

2005-05-24T16:38:00.000+01:00

I am sure that many of my vintage remember the campaigners who urged us to boycott McDonald's because they were destroying the Amazon rainforest to rear their cattle.

Obviously, they would have been better advised telling us to boycott the stuff because it is truly vile muck served by gormless teenagers; but in a wonderful irony it emerged last week that the people destroying the rainforest were the soya farmers who help to keep the veggie brigade in tofu.

"Much of the destruction has been blamed on the illegal logging of land for soya production, say experts at Nature Conservancy in Brazil."

According to a 2000 Ecologist report the anti-GM brigade are also responsible. Fortunately this one also blames the beef barons.

The latest fad

2005-05-23T16:07:00.000+01:00

around blogging types is the list of 10 things I've never done. Some of the one's have read seem to have been written by people with rather limited horizons (imagine that from folks who spend every waking hour in front of a computer). Still I like this one of Harry's, mainly because of the slightly alarming spectacle of himself and venichka drooling over Eighties popstrels.

Here's mine, anyhow. Most of these, I am sure would be character forming in one way or another

1. Taken hallucinogens and then listened to the entire Ring Cycle.
2. Knocked and entered at the portals of the East.
3. Fought a duel.
4. For lust of knowing what should not be known, taken the golden road to Samarkand.
5. Turned my base mettle into gold.
6. Eaten a snake's heart.
7. Come face to face with Satan.
8. Encountered the members of Girls Aloud in a moderately high class bordello.
9. Turned down a knighthood.
10. Paid off my gambling debts in full.

Yes to wind

2005-05-20T16:19:00.000+01:00

After all that election nonsense we can at last get back to issues of substance. There were, of course, posts I could have published in the interim; but the world is not yet ready for the story of how the Golden Eagle was introduced to Brixton and discretion towards some of our best known Hollywood stars precludes me from commentating about the strange events in South Kerry earlier this month.

Instead a solution to two long-term problems which confront Western society. The first of these is the looming energy crisis. Most experts would agree that fossil fuels are, erm, fuelling global warming (with potentially disastrous consequences) . So what's the preferred solution: windfarms? (will they generate enough power though?), develop alternative technologies? (unproven as yet) or - as Tony Blair's government are trying to avoid deciding to do - build more non-greenhouse gas-emitting nuclear power stations and upset all those who've been calling for action on global warming?

But at the risk of repeating an old suggestion, I think we can generate sufficient power in a way that tackles another massive problem: the obesity timebomb (TM all journalists in the English-speaking world). Treadmills in schools (or hamster wheels if you've a sense of humour about this sort of thing), excercise bikes in offices - all hooked up to the national grid. What could be cleaner, what could be healthier? Forward not back indeed.

It's a beautiful day (because I haven't heard a squeak from Bono),

2005-04-09T18:17:00.000+01:00

Democracy, like the internet is a wonderful thing. The freedom both generate have brought felicity, prosperity and manifold benefits to many. The only problem is that all the wrong sort of people come along and spoil things.

So it is with some caution that I approach the British elections. I need not stress the importance of voting - especially since if you don't, someone else might on your behalf. However, I am aware than my endorsement could be a critical factor in this poll, but since neither the Whig Party, nor the Party of Moderate Progress Within The Bounds Of Law are standing (unless you take Gerry Adams's latest at face value) my support for any party will be conditional.

Labour and the Tories, of course, are too frightful: both seem determined to get the votes of the most unpleasant elements of society by competing to see who can lock up more gypsies and swarthy foreign types (possibly without the right to a fair trial). Kilroy too, seems to be aiming at the Chav vote, his targeted constituency is the sort of place where six St George flags on a Ford Escort is restrained patriotism and pubs hold regular auctions for goods of doubtful provenance.

As for the Lib Dems, I fear that voting for them is rather akin to self abuse. Everyone does it at one time or another, but it is ultimately unsatisfying and not something to boast about.

Which leaves us with an unattractive coalition of oofy tree huggers, swivel-eyed loons and other weird monomaniacs with strange obsessions.

Fortunately, there is a party that offers the requisite excitement and dash to keep the turn out at a healthy level: Respect, George Galloway's merry alliance of Trotskyists and Salafists. With the SWP and Muslim ~~Brotherhood~~ Alliance of Great Britain both on board, voters will have the delicious frison of not knowing whether they will end up with a Cuban style worker's paradise or a Theocracy. Surely anyone with an once of sporting blood would want to back this lot.

I'll maybe do a post on Northern Ireland next week, if I can contemplate that ghastly prospect.

Saturday never comes

2005-04-06T17:20:00.000+01:00

Zadok the barber and Nathan the social worker anointed Charles and Cam as...

Of course not. The febrile mixture of fawning sentimentality and mass hysteria surrounding the Pope and Charles and Camilla (what's that? Prince Rainier dead too, you say? Too bad. Let's hope the President of San Marino* is okay or it would complete a terrible week for tiny statelets) is inducing a mixture of nausea and boredom I have not experienced since Princess Diana died. (This is pretty awful too).

Thank goodness for the Grand National.

*Or similar

Final papal ramblings

2005-04-02T20:03:00.000+01:00

One has to admire JP's reluctance to meet his boss - I do sympathise with that. However, I was struck by the fact that another over-80, Robert Mugabe, seems to be in perfect health. Let's hope nothing happens to him, eh?

Still: is this a good time to ask which man' s policies are responsible for more deaths in Africa?

Ducks for cover.

Rebranding reaches Vatican

2005-04-01T17:19:00.000+01:00

The Last Rites are now known as the Sacrament of the Annointing of the Sick. How reassuring: "I assure you, there's no cause for alarm. It's just a little ritual for those who are feeling a bit under the weather."

Diaspora delights

2005-03-31T16:12:00.000+01:00

My Russian correspondent rouses himself from the gutter outside the Kremlin to send his latest dispatch. Through the residual meths and brake fluid fumes he tells me he still hasn't manged to get inside the inner sanctum of the Russian state, but instead offers the following consolation: an interesting fact about Kyrgzstan (the best I could do was that it has the world's largest free growth walnut forest - is there another type?):

This is a part of the Islamic world that wears its religion lightly, merging it with the traditions of a proud steppe-based nomad people that defeated the Mongols and held off the great Tamburlaine. In the rural areas, the courtship ritual is still conducted on horseback, where the women beats off her chosen suitor with a horse whip until she deems him determined enough to be acceptable.
This is not a form of mating procedure that finds favor with the
ayatollahs in Tehran or the Wahhabite clerics of Saudi Arabia.

One imagines that would be the done thing in certain echelons of British society - certainly it seems preferable to some of the romantic nonsense one is forced to endure these days.

My correspondent also offers the following observation:

Was also amused to read that, aftermonths of references to the forthcoming "tulip revolution" is Kyr, the govt ripped out all the tulips in Bishkek in advance of the elections. Expect something similar to happen with apricots in Armenia, should thatever cease to be a despotic gangster-led kleptocracy with an influential and hypocritical and selectively blind diaspora. Which is unlikely.

All of these leads me to wonder about the vexed subject of diasporas. There is no doubt that some people seem better at the exiles business than others.

The question is: whose exiles have the best away form? The Italians and Irish, for instance, seem to have devoted much of the last 200 years establishing themselves in the New World and using their connections back home to fund various political movements/legitimate business enterprises. There are also massive Indian and Chinese diasporas across the continents.

The trick it seems, to establish yourself across the superpower of the time (hint: if you go to Patagonia, no one will pay any heed). The Armenians seem to have a presence in parts of Africa and the Med for a long time, but when it comes to highlighting their historical grievances no one seems interested. It also helps to maintain a separate cultural indentity (which disqualifies the English, except for their criminal classes who have a country made in their own image) or even a series of historic grudges (the Germans are possibly the biggest ethnic group in the US, but they're not really in a position to whinge, are they?)

The Jews for instance (please, no paranoid rants) simply by dint of sheer persistence probably deserve the prize for top exiles. After 2000 years this particular people do exercise a certain cultural, political and economic clout - but not more so than the aforementioned Chinese, Indians and Irish (since when did you see a Jewish festival turned into a marketing opportunity for a major brewery).

But they're beaten to it by a disapora with even more financial, cultural and political power: the Scots. From unpromising beginings in Northern Ireland (if you now feel obiliged to rant about Planters and 800 years of blah or the Cruithin, please go away) via lands of tedium such as Canada and New Zealand, the Scottish dispora runs England and could now be considered the most influential group in America, and therefore the world.

It also appears that the fun-loving Presbyterian church can also claim credit for the exuberant vitality of gospel music. Thanks to Ross for these links)

I know how the Pope felt on Sunday

2005-03-29T16:38:00.000+01:00

I am nearly recovered from Easter. For those who don't know, on Good Friday the prissy, purtainical side of the Irish national character comes to the fore in the Smoke-Free State and all the pubs and offies shut as a mark of respect (forcing people to go on a big consumerist binge instead). Naturally, many people take this as their cue to stockpile massive stocks of booze and get unfeasibly drunk. Even now, I have scarcely levelled out from the effects of red wine, Calvados and a normal working weekend.

However, in a beautiful bit of synchronicity thousands of Irish soccer fans descended on Tel Aviv just in time for Purim: the one Jewish festival which is ("traditionally a time for dressing up, reveling and excessive drinking of alcohol" says Hareetz). I seem to recall that Purim also saw lots of clowns being put in places like Golders Green. You can probably make some gag about the Irish performance out of that.

If nothing else, the fans were lucky to escape the rain and all the reams of self-congratualtory guffe about the first anniversary of the Smoking Ban (the love of patting themselves on the back is another of the less attractive Irish character traits).

As one who rarely smokes cigarettes (and I have no intention of exposing myself to derision by standing out in the street for a Cuban cigar or a pipe) and am getting heartily sick of sitting by myself among half drunk pints while everyone troops out for a smoke. I fear it is yet another nail in the coffin for the art of conversation. Of course, the nannying prigs would suggest I hang out with non-smoking types, but really what sort of a person makes a minor health risk the basis for their whole social life?

More importantly, I have not seen one article that referred to the true pioneers of the smoking ban - Turkmenistan. All my hints to this effect have been ignored...

Even my dog is irritatingly smug

2005-03-10T22:54:00.000Z

Can you put animals down for this?

Buster, our mongrel, is good at fetching the Guardian. When the Telegraph was delivered by mistake, he destroyed it. Good taste or what? Jeremy and Rosemary GoringSt Leonards-on-Sea, E Sussex

Remember: your choice of newspaper does not make you morally superior.

Update: Get a life, says one anonymous contributor. Venichka immediately thinks of the Camden New Journal. Camden sparks in me the memory of one Glaswegian tramp I met who had trained his dogs to carry tins of Special Brew in their mouths. Now that is animal training at its best.

Now here's a bit of fun

2005-02-26T17:57:00.000Z

Courtesy of my old chum Quink a sort of bookshelf bingo. You simply replace the writers who aren't on your shelf with one's who are. Shamefacedly, I confess I haven't even heard of some of the originals.

1. ~~Iain Pears~~: Elizabeth Bowen
2. ~~John Irving~~: Venedickt Erofeev
3. ~~Alice Munro~~: Charles Baudelaire
4. ~~Barbara Hodgson~~: Mark Twain
5. ~~Elizabeth George~~: Medlar Lucan and Durian Grey
6. ~~Nick Bantock~~: PG Wodehouse
7. ~~Ruth Rendell~~: Ian Rankin
8. ~~Anne Tyler~~: Francis Wheen
9. ~~Margaret Atwood~~: The Marquis de Sade
10. ~~Leif Enger~~: Maria Edgworth
11. ~~Agatha Christie~~: Michel Houellebecq
12. Graham Green
13. ~~Ann Patchett~~: Fyodor Dostoevski
14. ~~Azar Nafisi~~: David Mitchell
15. ~~Donna Leon~~: Arthur Conan Doyle

God rot all princes

2005-02-26T17:33:00.000Z

I weep with boredom every time members of the royal family appear on television, and I fail to understand why some rather sad individuals should care so deeply about Charles's nuptial arrangements. There are far better grounds to prevent him from every becoming King than this.

He seems to have no conception of his duties: namely idling, drinking, gambling and hanging around with loose women. Edward VII must be the role model here. If I were in Charles's position, I should certainly surround myself with a better class of floozie and be seen at the racetrack more frequently.

Furthermore, the Prince of Wales is constitutionally obliged to become an arbiter of style: one thinks of the Prince Regent's patronage of Beau Brummel or the Duke of Windsor's pioneering hatless style. Charles has tried, I suppose - certainly I would love an account at his tailor's - but a look at the deplorable dress sense of most Britons shows what a poor job he has done. Truly the Beckhams have won the allegience of the mindless grovelling classes*.

* According to the ridiculous uptight, prisily correct bourgeoise at the Graun this means I am guilty of repellent class hatred. Sorry.

Stopperdammerung

2005-02-26T17:13:00.000Z

A typically light-hearted discussion over at Harry's Place on Normblog Geras's great composers poll. If you scroll down you will see that some impertinent little fellow has the temerity to attack my remarks concerning Wagner. However, on mature reflection, I wonder if he might not have a point. After all, given the febrile state of the world we wouldn't want to give comfort to any unacceptable composers.

In my revised opinion, therefore that in the name of human decency the following fellow-travellers must be expunged from the western canon, and if I catch any of you voting for these fellows, I shall set a mob of students on you:

Wagner (you know the score. Also goes on a bit, I've had love affairs that were shorter than Gotterdammerung - although, fortunately, there were fewer histrionics at the end)
JS Bach: (repeats the blood libel)
Shostakovich (Stalinist lick-spittle)
Handel (Judas Maccabeus glorifies Highland clearances)
Tchaikovsky (1812 Overture glorifies Tsarist tyranny over the values of the French Revolution)

I'm not certain how far this should go, however. What are we to make of the shilly-shalling of Beethoven regarding Napoleon, for instance? or Purcell's seemless switch from supporting the Papist tyranny of James II to supporting Orange bigotry with William and Mary? or Prokofiev on the Russian revolution? And should murders like Gesualdo also be excluded. All most vexing.

Those whom the gods love

2005-02-25T18:25:00.000Z

The Pope's continued shilly-shallying is most un-Christian. Does he have any idea of the distress his continued failure to chose between life and death is causing? Of course he doesn't because he's lying in a a drug-induced stupor. Meanwhile Vatican officials are stressing out by trying to run a church without anyone to sign the paperwork and take mass (okay, they probably do have a few people qualified to take mass, but you know what I mean). The world's media are on tenterhooks and hundreds of hacks are working extra hard only to find that he's decided to hang on a bit longer anyway. Elsewhere, peasant women the world over are doing serious damage to their athritic joints by spending hours in prayer before blowing their pensions on candles and flowers.

This is already worse than Arafat. He, at least, had some excuse for being reluctant to meet his maker. What's Karol's excuse?

Tally ho chaps

2005-02-18T23:09:00.000Z

Although country sports aren't really my thing, I can't help wondering, in the wake of the hunting stuff in England and Wales last week whether it would possible to collect a pack of foxes and train them to hunt down dogs and cats.

It seems they're already pretty good at it and, if some Grauniad letter writers are to be believed, it wouldn't be such a bad thing.

I'll go on by the river, with my cherry cherry whine

2005-02-14T21:44:00.000Z

Who'd be a Ned? Not only do you have to endure the contempt of all right-thinking people but you also have humourless politicians trying to take away your Buckie.

Still, one wonders why the monks try to keep up the pretence that their product is aimed at little old ladies in the home counties. There is one moment of unintentional brilliance on their website:

"Buckfast attracts almost half a million visitors each year, from all parts of the world. They come for a variety of reasons. For some, the reason might be that they are seeking spiritual refreshment"

Aye right.

From tiresome monarchists to tiresome republicans

2005-02-14T16:51:00.000Z

The Irish like to think of themselves as above all this royal frippery. Instead of having the head of state imposed on them, they like to pick the top person themselves. Unless, as happened last year, they can't be arsed to hold an election. But in theory they could chose the president, and that's what counts.

Another important principle for many is to shun sectarian organisations with members who also belong to paramilitary groups. So berets off to Cork's Shinners who certainly won't stand for that sort of thing in their city.

Typically, their whinge about the St Patrick's invitation to the Orangemen rather misses the point. Of course the Orange Order is offensive. Any overt display of nationalism is an affront to good taste and drives one to despair for the future of humanity. Celebrating a 300-year-old battle as if it really matters is neither more nor less assine than turning a Welsh saint's day into a marketing opportunity for a multi-national drinks company or singing whiny ballads about some ancestor who couldn't be arsed to go fishing when they ran out of potatoes.

Anyone who needs to assert their identity in such a blatant form - whether it be by dressing in a suit, bowler hat and orange scarf, or by dressing as a leprechaun and getting drunk, or by getting a tattoo of the England World Cup winning team on their (probably undersized) old chap then, yes, getting drunk - is a poltroon who deserves to be pelted with hardback editions of the works of the Greek philosphers.

A role model

2005-02-14T16:35:00.000Z

The problem with Britain's royal family is their chintzy bourgeois style coupled with their silly hobbies. There is, of course, a temptation to call in some more interesting characters (note to sentimentalists Princess Diana was a vacuous bore) such as this fellow:

"He breeds mastiffs, has a keen interest in nude photography and cultivates an impressive moustache. "

It's probably best not to get too misty-eyed about the Stewarts though. They did have an almost unique ability to rile their subjects (most of them got booted off the throne if not this mortal coil) and might well have ended up getting the full Romanov treatment. In any case, the London Times article does suggest that even if the Act of Succession had never been in place the throne would have still endured more than its fair share of German princelings and Fascist sympathisers. The county would be much better off reinstating the office of Lord Protector, but do they listen to me? Of course not.

Not sufficiently historically aware?

2005-02-12T17:43:00.000Z

One is always a little sceptical about the merits of voting; it should always be borne in mind that witless vulgarity is one of the most powerful forces known to this earth and as such commands mass support. This caution, coupled with a natural desire to 'fit in' with everyone else by avoiding original thought which might expose one to a degree of unpopularity, meant that I was somewhat sceptical about the recent Iraqi elections. You know the sort of thing: might vote for religious types, can't really expect Arabs to get the hang of this voting malarkey, they hadn't brushed up on their Chomsky before toddling off to the polls, extremists might not like it, it might encourage those frightful Americans to attack more ghastly countries. And so forth.

However, I now realise my mistake. I had, am afraid to say, been under the impression that they were voting to determine the future direction of the country. Fortunately I now realise that the vote was, in fact a referendum on the past. Most especially the endlessly useful debate about whether what happened two years was a good thing or a bad thing. True, I am still a little confused what they decided: Naomi Klein says they were giving Bush the purple finger, whereas Michael Gove observes they were really trying to blow raspberries at the Stop the War crew (from Saddam to Robert Fisk via Douglas Hurd and Sean Penn).

All rather confusing. No wonder another Graun writer suggests he doesn't want any more of this malarkey in the Middle East ('Iraq deserves to develop eventually into the only democratic, secular, moderate state in the Middle East' - my italics).

Of course, it's never too late to settle old historical scores. Come the British election, I do hope the electorate will give the Tories a sound trashing for declaring war on Revolutionary France. Although I grudgingly concede they subsequently did a good job of seeing off Napoleon, we can't reward their initial acts of agression, can we?

Sinister developments in the Caucasus

2005-02-05T16:34:00.000Z

Well, who'd have thought it, paranoia and a rash of suspicious deaths in the ex-Soviet union? So many unanswered questions: are Iranian gas heaters really so dodgy? why is it that when I tried to research the number of deaths from carbon monoxide poisoning all I found were statistics from the US? Is there any reason for the KGB to bump these people off except to prove they can?

Mr Saakashvili should be very careful when shaving otherwise he could quite easily find himself slicing his windpipe open.

Spurious comparisons of our time: III

2005-02-05T15:46:00.000Z

Regretably I rather over-indulged myself during a recent visit to the Pink Pussycat club and was forced to spend some "down-time" as I believe the phrase is in a health spa. Consequently I have been somewhat slow to catch up on events.

However, one would have thought that during the recent Holocaust memorial events even a schools debating society should have known better that to raise that hoary old x is as bad as Hitler. Even more so, one would have thought that heads of state, elder statesmen and professors would have known better. Of course not.

In the case of Norn Iron, Gerry Adams (possibly noticing that the number of Palestinian flags on the Falls weren't the best way to link hispeople to the Jews) had an alternative spurious comparison: South Africa. Presumably he would like to see himself as the Belfast Mandela, but the pretentious beardy Mbeki might be a better a comparison. Of course there is another hero of black liberation in a neighbouring state, but surely he wouldn't go in for this sort of thing?

Think of the children (if you must)

2005-01-22T18:13:00.000Z

Often I can barely bring myself to look at the Guardian in printed form. Today's edition was an excellent example of that - a large strapline advertising a supplement devoted to children's health. Individually the two would be smutty and contemptible, but together they are terrible indeed.

I take this sanctimonious health puritanism as a sign that we are approaching the most depressing time of year. It seems that the only sensible precaution is to cock a snook at the Graun's sanctimonious puritans and drink and gamble round the clock. (A digression: the Daily Hate is also deeply hostile to Tessa Jowell's plans for punting and pints. Surely if both rags are against something, it must be a good idea?)

But for those of you unfortunate enough to have children, I have devised an exercise regime to keep the little darlings busy while you are sipping dry martinis down the casino and, I flatter myself, it is potentially of immense value to society.

1) The treadmill. From my excursions among the mass of populace, I have noticed that children have a great love of running around while screaming. I propose the setting up of giant treadmills rigged up to the electricity grid. This will not only give the children a supervised outlet for their surplus energies, but will significantly reduce greenhouse gases, thereby giving future generations a cleaner world in which to live.

2) Send them up chimneys. Not only does this develop supple limbs, it revives and ancient tradition (I rather like the idea of living in a Regency timewarp) and tallies nicely with the prevailing view of education as a means towards the production of economically useful units. Why not start a lifetime of hard work early. (Those of you from the criminal classes could always train the little dears to work as pickpockets.

3) Demolition work. Put a group of children together and the collective mentality is that of a group of Apaches descending upon a convoy of covered wagons. Why not let the play with the TV and DVD player? They won't be stuck indoors goggling* at the box after they've finished Or, better, give them the run of a fast food restaurant. Let them wreck the place, we'll hear less about obesity afterwards.

4) Take them fox-hunting. Another solution to the vexed issue of hunting with dogs. Children delight in cruelty, so why not set them to giving Mr Fox a sound thrashing?

5) Military pre-school. (I borrowed this idea from a throwaway PJ O'Rourke gag, but it might be time to take it seriously.) With Mr Bush looking to sort out more of the rogues and villains of this world it's probably a good idea to start training them now.

I think that's enough for starters. If you let the little chaps give these a go, do please let me know how they get on. I believe there is an election in the UK soon and if these work, I might be obliged to offer myself to the electorate. If Tony Blair doesn't pinch these ideas first, that is.

* Orginally I wrote googling. Truely I am a slave to the computer.

Hot teens stripping

2005-01-16T22:24:00.000Z

This is, of course, a shameless attempt to attract more hits via Google with a story attached to it. Are there no depths to which I will not sink? Well, yes there are. I dislike ending sentences with prepositions.

First we take Folkestone, then we take Berlin

2005-01-16T21:50:00.000Z

Often one can sympathise with those 19th century figures (including many progressive and radical figures) who opposed universal suffrage on the grounds that many people were too ill-informed, volatile and, well, just too dangerous to be given the vote. Although there have subsequently been many working class movements led by well-informed, articulate and passionate people, Robert Kilroy-Silk's success in the European elections (to say nothing of the ongoing parade of lunatics in Northern Ireland votes) would have suggested, would it not, that people who spend their lives watching lowest common denominator TV are - you've got it - somewhat ill-informed, volatile and dangerous when it comes to electoral matters. Fortunately the current system excludes people too lazy and dim to vote, long may it last, says I.

So what were ITV thinking of when they launched their "politics idol" show for people who can't be arsed to go to a polling station but will vote early and vote often for the latest idiot talent show. Semi-predictably, the winner of Vote for Me, was a man even the channel describes as a "comedy fascist" - convicted fraudster Rodney Hylton-Potts. His manifesto includes: no more immigration, castration for paedophiles and the legalisation of drugs. His opponents have suggested that his views would make the BNP blanche.

It's hard to know who looks more idiotic: ITV for its belief that "we are the chavsters of England and we have not spoken yet" is a great basis for a TV show (note also their rather feeble defence: “It’s not embarrassing that he won because we’ll now respect our real politicians more.”); the people who voted for the blighter or Hylton-Potts himself.

How on earth does he expect to reduce the population of Britain by one third within 25 years? Either he has grievously miscalculated the number of darkies he needs to deport (unless the 15% of the population which consists of godless whites who refused to define themselves by religion are also to be booted out - where to?) or else he will need to follow the Pol Pot guide to population control.

But this cunning political mastermind has now come up with the perfect way to advance his agenda: he is standing against Michael Howard (majority: 5,907).
PA News reports him as saying "I don't know whether I can win. That is for the experts.
"But what I'm certain about is that Michael Howard will lose.
"The UKIP are likely to stand against him and they seem quite bullish but I think it will take me to do it. I think it is goodbye Michael for this seat."

Perfect way to advance an anti-Europe, anti-immigration agenda: let the Lib Dems win.

Flogging a dead horse

2005-01-13T18:33:00.000Z

Afterthoughts on the Harry Nazi thing: with the peace process in Northern Ireland going through a bit of a sticky patch, with even the Irish Times abandoning its policy of "constructive journalism" I'm happy to step into the breach. (And unlike the Irish Times you don't have to pay to read this online).

In this spirit, surely we can find some common ground between the British Royal Family and the Shinners.

Lacking the Fuhrerprinzip?

2005-01-12T22:51:00.000Z

One of the most popular internet myths is that James Hewitt is Prince Harry's real father. Hewitt himself insists that the affair began after Harry's birth, but many people are reluctant to let this spoil their fun. But lest there be in doubt that Harry is the grandson of the Duke of Edinburgh and the inheritor of those Hanoverian military gene, the following should resolve all doubts:

From PA News
Prince Harry tonight apologised after being pictured in a Nazi uniform at a fancy dress party.
The Sun’s front page showed the Prince, with a cigarette and drink in hand, wearing a swastika armband.
The newspaper said he had attended a fancy dress party in the uniform of a fascist soldier.
In a statement, the Prince said: "I am very sorry if I caused any offence or embarrassment to anyone. It was a poor choice of costume and I apologise."

Great timing with the 60th anniversary of the liberation of the concentration camps coming up.

Then there comes the usual rentagob MP:
Doug Henderson, Labour MP for Newcastle upon Tyne North and a former armed forces minister, said Prince Harry should not now be allowed to become a British Army officer.
"After the revelations this evening I don’t think this young man is suitable for Sandhurst," he said.
"If it was anyone else the application wouldn’t be considered. It should be withdrawn immediately."

But this would have deprived the armed forces of men of the calibre of Keith Moon. How could that be right?

They're at it again

2005-01-11T21:40:00.000Z

Not content with invading Iraq, I'm sorry to report that the British government is planning another flagrant breach of international law. In this case, I'm sorry to report it involves pumping money into some of the most corrupt countries on earth (who can't be trusted not to spend it all on dodgy military matters). Worst of all, if this article is any guide, the British plan will be done in defiance of the international rules that are supposed to govern states' behaviour.

The UN should do something.

The Kulturkampf continues

2005-01-10T21:07:00.000Z

We are always told that one of the great things about blogging is its ability to provide instant news and reaction to almost anything (see tedious newspaper columns passim).

So in that spirit here's something it's taken me a few days to getting around to: Cork's apotheosis as Europe's Cultural Capital. Saturday's opening featured the usual tedious bits of officialdom; street carnival; John Spillane singing a song which rhymed 'Farranree' with 'see', 'history' and 'country' (those present at the ceremony complained they couldn't hear a thing, lucky them); the rather Wagnerian image of a serpent rising from the River Lee (I stayed indoors to watch it on TV) and fireworks (great stuff, right outside my window).

You would have to be more of a sneering cynic than I am to hope the thing flops, although worries about the tiny budget, lack of information made available to the public (every household was supposed to receive a calendar of events last year. I'm still waiting for mine) and lack of advertising (hands up anyone outside of Ireland who knew about it) won't go away, you know.

One imagines that the unofficial aspects will provide many of the highlights, but as long as I remain in Cork, I shall be more interested in contenders for the following:

The Cork 2005 Seamus Brennan Messiah XXI Memorial Award.

The award will honour any cultural event which takes councillors, social workers or the Irish Times as its muse. You can all imagine the sort of thing, I'm sure: patronising, pretentious, ill-thought out, tediously worthy, overly official or just plain idiotic. It'll have to be something pretty special to outdo the updated Messiah which the Irish government commissioned to mark the millennium, however.

Anything involving Riverdance is also to be condemned, but in stronger terms.

One early contender: Culture in the hospitals. Ah, dying are you? Let me tell about Janacek before you go. (Note also the great planning that sees them scrambling to fill the post now).

I also gather that the lord mayor is planning to visit Irish peacekeepers in Liberia, not to boost their morale or thank them for their work, but to promote the city of culture thing. That sounds a likely contender.

Now that Jerry Springer's out of the way

2005-01-10T20:59:00.000Z

I wish to protest about another grossly offensive, so-called opera which is being aired a once-reputable British public body.

This work features incest, extreme violence and ultimately challenges divine power over earth.

I hope that all-religious minded people will condemn this shocking exhibition.

New Year advice

2005-01-01T18:18:00.000Z

At this time plenty of people who have pigged out over the holidays try to lose weight. Fortunately for those who haven't worked out that the trick is to eat less and exercise more, lifestyle magazines and the like will be offering plenty of flashy new diets to help them. In this spirit I offer two of my own patented weight-loss ideas.

The Special Brew diet. They say booze make you fat, but have you ever seen a wino with a beer gut? Simply avoid food and subsist of a diet of cheap, but lethally strong lager and you'll see the weight come off. (For a touch of Pete Doherty chic Haribo Bear sweets are permitted.)

The Irish peasant diet. The Irish weren't fat in the Nineteenth century, were they? Eat nothing expect spuds and if they run out, tough. Remember, even if you're on an island, on no account supplement your diet by going fishing. For added historical authenticity do as I do and live in a freezing hovel owned by a heartless landlord.

If these work for you, do please let me know. I rather fancy a share of the Atkins market.

US to blame for killer wave

2005-01-01T18:08:00.000Z

It had to be the Grauniad, didn't it? In strict honesty, they can't blame the Yanks directly, but Jeremy Seabrook has a damned good try. He manages to rise above the usual level of pointing out the bleeding obvious in an aggressively self-righteous manner by implying that Bush is somehow to blame.

The ruins of Galle and Bandar Aceh called forth images of Falluja, Mosul and Gaza. Imperial powers, it seems, anticipate the destructive capacity of nature.

and if that wasn't damning enough, the whole capitalist system should also feel thoroughly ashamed of itself for offering to help

Western governments, which can disburse so lavishly in the art of war, offer a few million as if it were exceptional largesse... (This was written before the US upped its financial contribution) Yet we inhabit systems of social and economic injustice that exacerbate the insecurity of the poor, while the west is prepared to lay waste distant towns and cities in the name of a security that, in the end, eludes us all.

The moral: it's a great pity we aren't nicer to each other all the time.

Personally I'm waiting for a Bushite to respond by blaming Islamic fundamentalism. After all, the ruined towns have also been compared to Ground Zero and God had more than a bit part in the tsunami and the September 11 attacks.

Update: no sooner do I issue the challenge that I find that Normblog Geras has already asked why we don't just blame Saddam (sort of). Doesn't the fellow ever rest?

We must not rush to conclusions

2004-12-23T13:35:00.000Z

The mystery about the Belfast bank robbery continues. I'm afraid to say that some irresponsible journos have rushed to blame the IRA simply because they have a motive (retirement money), the ability to carry out such an attack and a track record of doing that sort of thing. Frankly it's not good enough.

Now An Phoblacht is hinting (lets see what it comes up with in time) that they thing elements of the British security forces (with their loyalist chums are) involved. An evil-minded cynic might imagine that the response of the Examiner hacks was to snigger at the absurdity of the claim and then print it it such as way as to imply they were not convinced but the claim deserves proper consideration.

Motive: The British security forces could do with the money. Many of them could be out of a job soon and a robbery like this could be a good way to pay the boys off. It might even keep them in a job by stalling the peace process. Or maybe they just need the money?

Ability: They have guns don't they? They're trained to do all sort of things. If they can keep the lid on Basra, surely they can arrange a little robbery?

Opportunity: With everyone trying to blame the Shinners for trifling affairs such as hob-nobbing with Colombian rebels on false passports, what better opportunity to carry out his audacious raid.

But the clincher, surely, is the attempt by those same British forces to blame the IRA. After all, surely it's a sign of guilt to try and pin the blame on others?

Sentimental and mushy.

2004-12-22T13:02:00.000Z

Clearly there is nothing interesting happening in the world (except for a few bits of unpleasantness in far away places and the Provos retirement fund-raiser in Belfast *allegedly*) since I find sweetness and light breaking out even in the more robust blogs. At Harry's Place they are wishing their readers a happy Christmas, forgetting that the true meaning of Christmas is an intellectual beer cellar row with one's nearest and dearest.

Meanwhile, Professor Geras treats us to the latest in online navel-gazing.

Fortunately I wouldn't be doing this blog were my life and opinions not of especial interest, so here for your edification is my own response to the three things parlour game.

Three Names You Go By:
1. Buff and Blue
2. Sir (as in I think you've had enough, don't you sir?)
3. That I cannot reveal

Three Things You Like About Yourself:
1. My intellect and good looks
2. My fascinating life
3. My extreme modesty

Three Things You Dislike About Yourself:
1. My liver
2. My inability to fall asleep when people are boring me
3. My inability to strike poses when answering such questionnaires.

Three Parts of Your Heritage:
1. The public schools of England
2. The public houses of Ireland
3. The salons of Paris

Three Things That Scare You:
1. Haridans
2. Hooligans
3. Bin Ladens

Three of Your Everyday Essentials:
1. Dry Martini
2. A sword stick
3. Cuff links

Three Things You Are Wearing Right Now:
1. Smoking jacket
2. Persian slippers
3. Regimental cravat

Three of Your Favorite Bands/Artists (at the moment):
1. Richard Wagner
2. Fela Kuti
3. Serge Gainsbourg

Three of Your Favorite Songs at Present:
1. Fairy Tale of New York (Pogues)
2. Unsolved Child Murder (Bader Meinhof)
3. Coffin for Head of State (Fela Kuti)

Three New Things You Want to Try in the Next 12 Months:
1. The Dogs Giblets Cocktail (Zhiguli beer 100g, Sadko the Wealthy Guest shampoo 30g, anti-dandruff solution 70g, superglue 12g, brake fluid 35g, insecticide 20g, Let it marinade for a week with some cigar tobacco, then serve: from Moscow Stations)
2. Open a Dada cabaret in Kerry
3. Dwarf throwing

Three Things You Want in a Relationship (love is a given):
1. Censored for reasons of taste
2. Ditto coupled with uncertainty as to where the law draws the line on that sort of thing
3. A large inheritance

Two Truths and a Lie:
1. A truth that's told with bad intent beats all the lies you can invent
2. We must love one another or die
3. England is mine and it owes me a living

Three Physical Things About the Opposite Sex That Appeal to You:
1. Taste and elan in dress
2. Elegantly presenting a cigarette to be lit
3. I'm sure you can guess the rest

Three Things You Just Can't Do:
1. Use the telephone
2. Surf
3. Play the banjo

Three of Your Favorite Hobbies:
1. Big game hunting
2. Vice
3. Repose

Three Things You Want to do Really Badly Right Now:
1. On the whole I'd rather be in Philadelphia
2. Fire a shotgun in the air
3. Ruin some children's Christmas

Three Places You Want to Go on Vacation:
1. Havana
2. St Petersburg
3. Xanadu

Three Kids' Names:
1. You
2. Thingy
3. The other one

Three Things You Want to Do Before You Die:
1. Abolish Wales
2. As little as possible
3. Get someone to write the greatest novel of the century for me.

To Hell or the East

2004-12-16T17:26:00.000Z

Sartre's well-known "Hell is other people" gag is rather trite and simplistic. What he should have said was "Hell is other people's small children surrounding you when you're cramped into a train seat for a long journey."

Foolishly I decided to visit Dublin today and bitterly have I paid for my folly. After two hours or so my legs were cramping up from trying to avoid the constant kicking of Fat Child A who was too busy fighting for possession of the second jumbo bag of crisps with Fat Child B. The shrieks and inane gurglings of the pair of them combined with their mother's soupy endearments to drive all intelligent, rational even, thought from out of my head. I thought I would offer a prayer to the children's maker:

Toi qui fais au proscrit ce regard calme et haut
Qui damne tout un peuple autour d'un échafaud.

Instead I sank into a pit of despair and frustration, wondering how long it would be until a truly volcanic, soul-spewing torrent of rage would errupt from within me, devastating all in its path and, worse, making me look a bit foolish.

The worst of it was that they weren't especially bad as kids go, but imagine a journey like that, of infinite length populated by the most malevolent, squealing brats imaginable. That would be hell.

As it was, the journey I endured would scarcely be worth it if an orgy featuring a polysexually perverse cast of thousands, featuring costume changes, elephants, dwarves, the Belorussian under-19s netball team, plovers' eggs served from Kate Moss's navel, bales of mind-altering drugs and a chorus of high-kicking drag queens singing German beer hall songs awaited me at the end. For a cold, crowded and frustrated day of Christmas shopping: forget it.

Some questions have to be asked

2004-12-11T17:04:00.000Z

With the web, the airwaves and print media all collapsing under the weight of arguments about Iraq, other conflicts rarely get a look in. Occasionally, just occasionally, people notice that horrendous things are still happening in the Democratic Republic of Congo. Depressingly, there is a real danger that the war will start up again.

Despite the world's (relative) indifference there are questions to be asked. I could ask why people who jump up and down like frogs on ecstasy at the slightest thing in the Middle East or America are silent on this. I could ask what practical help can be given to the Congolese government.

But most importantly: how come the DRC's football team is on a par with Scotland's? (Hint: scroll down to 77th spot)

(Incidentally: I notice Iraq (45) and Zimbabwe (59) are well ahead of the Scots. Bloodshed in the streets of Dundee, I know, might be the answer.)

Justified force

2004-12-10T19:38:00.000Z

I see the Tory party and Telegraph, in particular, are getting very agitated about the possibility of allowing householders to use force to protect themselves against burglars. The question is: what constitutes reasonable force in the case of a burglary?

I cannot claim that the prospect of losing a few possessions bothers me greatly, and since I dislike any visitors entering my household the prospect of unforced entry is little more than usually irritating.

Of far greater concern to me is the relentless assault I am suffering from the pan pipe music drifting to my desktop as I write. I cannot shut it out and am going to be stuck here for a few hours yet. Clearly I have a right to protect my sanity and that of those around me. The question is: what is a reasonable degree of force in this case?

As I hear the music from the Titanic film rendered even more irritating I'm thinking suicide bomb.

Update: the ambient noise now consists of the office TV broadcasting the Late, Late Show with Pat Kenny. His guests are Gerry Adams and Janet Street Porter. I'm hoping one of these great thinkers will give me some guidance as to what constitutes reasonable thought.

PS: in a straight fight, my money would be on Janet.

Just don't call it an eeky-peeky, pretendy language

2004-12-07T22:17:00.000Z

With so much foul-mouthed abuse polluting the new, it is with relief that I can recommend something which seeks to uphold proper linguistic standards.

Yin Bloague ae Ulster-Scotch.

Thanks to the Young Fogey for the tip-off.

UPDATE: In light of today's not in the slightest bit surprising events, I may have been too hasty to endorse the hated sectrarian monster that is Ulster Protestantism. I should, of course, have insisted on parity of esteem and demanded that the same blog is published As Gaelige. I'd offer to do it my self, but my knowledge of Irish can, I believe, be best summarised as an culpa fuck-all. The challege goes out to An Fhogbhie Og: can you do any better?

Spurious comparisons of our time: Number 2.

2004-12-07T21:55:00.000Z

Iraq. I had to be hadn't it? Never mind the excessively tiresome Vietnam comparions, according to the gloriously-named Charles Krauthammer, in the Washington Post (via the Graun) its more like the US Civil War.

An interesting comparion. The war was widely unpopular in Europe (the Graun was dead against it) and was perceived as Washington agressively protecting its own interests with a thin and unconvincing moral veneer.

But all nonsense, of course.

In my view, the current conflict has far more in common with the Peloponnesian War. I admit it's unlikely the US will allow themselves to be diverted by a naval invasion of Zanzibar, but you never know. Otherwise the parallels are uncanny.

Perhaps we should not be too sanguine

2004-12-06T16:11:00.000Z

Regarding my previous post on Mr Kilroy-Silk, Quink observes that the man sounded rather deranged following his dunking in ordure. With this in mind, we ought to worry about the potential for disorder involving various DSS nationalists and the theological literalists.

Fortunately there is a template for resolving such conflicts in an entirely satisfactory fashion: Northern Ireland/Ulster/Occupied Six Counties etc. etc.

As a first step the North of England could be renamed something such as the Islamic Republic of Ukipland. A coalition government involving the devout, rather than the fanatical, and those who do not hate foreigners, merely distrust them, should be established forthwith. Of course a few years down the line it could mutate into a coalition of the BNP and al-Mujaharoun, but we wouldn't want to treat one part of the UK differently from another, would we?

We need not fear the clash of civilisations

2004-12-03T23:05:00.000Z

At least not in Britain. In Holland Robert Kilroy-Silk's rude comments might have led to his death. In Manchester he just gets covered with slurry. That's progress.

Let us not demonise British Muslims.

Number crunching

2004-12-02T23:14:00.000Z

I am still aquiver with excitement following the combination of Biffo Cowen's first budget in the Dail and Gordon Brown's Aren't-I-Great-athon in Westminister.

One interesting statistic from Ireland: One third of the workforce is on the minimum wage (and no one seems too upset by this).

Today the Press Association reports: the Irish are the second-richest people in the EU.

"The figures from Eurostat, the EU’s statistical office, assess GDP in terms of purchasing power standards (PPS). Taking 100 as the EU average, Luxembourg per capita GDP is put at 215%, followed by Ireland at 133%."

Could someone do the maths, please. I find statistics incredibly dull and would most likely get my answers wrong.

I salute his courage and indefatigability

2004-12-02T22:49:00.000Z

Given his libel victory against the Torygraph, I am not going to say anything bad about George Galloway. I will certainly have no truck with the vile insinuation that he was some sort of dictator's lickspittle. In fact, given his luck in the libel courts, it's probably safest not to say anything.

More interesting, is the Telegraph's own use of the Gilligan defence: we may not have been right, but we were right to repeat these allegations. And anyway, Blair/Galloway's a bit dodgy isn't he. Only got to look at him to know. (although in this case the first clause should read: we may have been right. Who knows? After all, we're just a newspaper; why should we check that sort of thing.)

What is fascinating is the Torygraph's own take on Mr Gilligan's rather fact-free assertions. These great defenders of the right to raise serious issues were rather less sympathetic earlier in the year. In an editorial entitled In Defence of Hutton, the paper argued:

"The problem for the BBC was that the facts were devastating to their case. Mr Gilligan's defenders argue that, irrespective of the flaws in his report on the Today programme on May 29, he performed a great public service by bringing to light the alleged tensions between the intelligence services and Number 10 during the preparation of the September Iraq dossier"

But after damning his methodology and the lack of proper checks and controls, the piece went on to say: Lord Hutton, who was pretty tough on unreliable journalism, was quite right to conclude that "the BBC failed to ensure proper editorial control over Mr Gilligan's broadcasts on 29 May."

But let's not make any accusations of hypocrisy here. The day after the Hutton report the paper argued:

"Some might say that such slapdash reporting - which smothered the beginnings of a good story - is typical not just of the BBC, but of the media in general. And they would have a point. But the BBC is not the media in general. It is a unique organisation, with a special place in our national life.

"It is one thing for a tabloid or a Sunday newspaper to indulge in such cavalier behaviour; indeed, it is the very stuff of their trade. But the BBC is not meant to broadcast dubious stories. Precisely because of its unique status, the mere fact of it reporting such an item lends credence where none is due. Rather, the BBC should have a more respectable, trustworthy, public service ethos."

So that's alright then.

UPDATE: It gets better. Gorgeous George announces he's been cleared (even though the veracity of the documents wasn't an issue) and takes his merry band of Trotskyists and Salafists off to Bethnal Green. Ever modest, he compares his ordeal to that of a condemned man. In a few weeks his enemies will be reduced to the tried-and-tested tactic of muttering they're sure he's guilty of something, must be something in those rumours, dammit he looks a bit dodgy.

Meanwhile, the Graun which carried several pro-Gilligan pieces at the start of the year now carries several pro-Georgie pieces.

Its leader of January 29 seems far more sympathetic towards the Beeb's errors than today's offering which urges the press not to panic. A fair-minded man would have to admit that the Graun's official line is nuanced and critical towards bad journalism from both parties. Fortunately I am not a fair-minded man and, in the best traditions of the press, will not allow this fact to mar a good sneer.

Another tedious debate solved.

2004-12-02T17:27:00.000Z

One of the more wearing aspects of the Bush presidency is the fact that we face four more years of vituperative debate about the neo-conservatives.

Are they former admirers of Mr Trotsky? Are they a secretive cabal intent on world domination? (Jewish?) What is their agenda and ideology? Is Mr Blair one of their number? (Thank you Harry's place). What are their origins?

I can at least answer the last one. Here was the first neo-con: a former left-wing radical who believed in the use of force to remove oppressive regimes, remake the world and promote a civic society. ("His most important legacy is the civil institutions he built in France and all over Europe"). And from the neo-cons' favourite country too.

Reasons to care

2004-12-01T18:05:00.000Z

A letter in the Irish Times today about why we should care about the Ukrainian political situation.

Bill Lawlor, from Lawlor & Associates Recruitment Ltd, includes plenty of links between Ireland and Ukraine. For those of you who aren't prepared to pay to read the whole thing (here for those who are), it includes the following gem:

"There is substantial Irish interest in the cement industry of Ukraine, and many other areas of business (such as Irish pubs) and technology networking are being developed, to our mutual benefit."

Before concluding that what Ukraine needs more than anything is Irish diplomats:

"For these reasons, and to show solidarity with the democratic process developing in Ukraine, I propose that we should soon set up a proper diplomatic representation in Kiev in support of the new spirit of independence in that country, and in keeping with our position in the EU. Ukraine has set up its embassy in Dublin, but we have not reciprocated. It is difficult to do business when there is no proper embassy service available."

So before you turn away to other matters, please remember the cement makers of Ireland in your prayers tonight. May their business be unaffected by these unfortunate events.

At last a solution to this tiresome debate

2004-12-01T16:12:00.000Z

I had intended to avoid entirely the debate on fox-hunting and leave it to the tedious and unappealing individuals on both sides of the debate. But now an entirely reasonable compromise presents itself, one which will satisfy both traditionalists and those concerned with animal welfare: the return of the wild boar hunt.

The antiquity and lineage and, dash it, Britishness of this sport is beyond reproach, it is highly demanding and, crucially, the boar should be killed by a spear and not by the hounds.

Send a Christmas card to Abu Musab al-Zarqawi

2004-11-26T21:39:00.000Z

With no end in sight to the violence in Iraq, many in the West feel helpless. They cannot stop the fighting between the US-led forces and the insurgents and, as the fate of the country hangs in the balance, they cannot make their voices heard across the noise of gunfire.

This Christmas many of you will be thinking of the people of Fallujah and asking if there is a better way to solve the world's problems.

There is. Inspired by the success of similar campaigns, this blog is launching a campaign to send a Christmas card to Abu Musab al-Zarqawi. In this unique attempt to bridge the divide between liberal democracy and al-Qaida style fundamentalism, every reader is urged to mark this popular Christian holiday by writing to a Jihadist fighting in Iraq explaining why dialogue and reason can be every bit as effective as chopping someone's head off. The person who sends the best Christmas card will win a trip to Iraq to deliver their message in person to the group's leader.

Top celebrities such as Eamon Dunphy, Boris Johnson, Richard and Judy and Harvey from So Solid Crew have been lined up to support the campaign and a selection of their seasonal greetings will be published on this site in the coming weeks.

Please email your messages to this site, or post them in the comments section below. Anyone wishing to sent a hand-written message can contact me for Mr al-Zarqawi's last known address. Before you write, please bear in mind the following points.

1. Be polite. Imagine you are a fanatical Islamist receiving a message from a decadent infidel. It's worth considering how counterproductive it could be if you start from a position of believing that your beliefs and values are better than theirs. Remember also that the person you are writing probably has strong views of their own and may be easily riled.

2. Your message might carry more weight if you introduce yourself by including your name, address and some personal details. Many of the foreign fighters in Iraq have a network of international contacts and, who knows, might be able to introduce you to some of their friends.

3. Try and establish some common ground with the person you are writing to. If you are opposed to chemical warfare, the hacking off of heads and the subjugation of women, you might wish to discuss other topics such as the environment or Africa's debt burden.

4. Don't expect to win all the arguments. Unfortunately some of the fighters might regard your intervention as unwarranted meddling in Iraq's affairs. But surely it's worth a try?

Spurious conparisons of our day

2004-11-25T22:35:00.000Z

Number 1: Christopher Hitchens is the Orwell of his day.

How so, of course, he shot a fucking elephant.

Afterthought

2004-11-24T18:09:00.000Z

I have hopefully fixed the picture of the Cossack Che. He really is a versatile student icon, isn't he? Of course, our own anti-war young are also very keen on the fellow. I assume this is because of his well-documented distaste for violence and scrupulous regard for the UN security council's mandates when it came to overthrowing governments.

UPDATE: Che is clearly cursed. Everytime I try to link to the image (http://pora.org.ua/content/view/868/) to text, the rest of the image disappears. Is it a plot by dark forces of irresistable force and intensity (freemasons? the US? Arsenal football club?) or is Che's ghost stalking the web?

Any other conspiracy theories welcome. Clearly the Duke of Edinburgh has some explaining to do.

I am not afraid to speak out

2004-11-24T17:12:00.000Z

For what I believe to be popular.

I have decided to back the Ukranian opposition. Of course, there are few people in the west who would disagree and to read many reports you would have no idea that there are millions of people who are genuinely backing Yanukovych.

But what swung it for me (apart from the number of excitable young ladies backing Yushenko should any of them wish to take refuge in the west, I am happy to offer them a job as my personal assistant) is the quality of their polemic. It seems that a group of English football fans have joined in the fun.

"Thousands of bastards are gathering near “Dynamo”
According to checked information, some tourists are rather aggressive. They have already broken car “Mazda” that was standing near their group. Some people are saying that the guys are throwing stones at the cars that pass by."

"GOD is with us! And heavy trucks will not help!
Heavy trucks are just not original any more."

Much better than the standard of anti-Bush whinging.

Thanks, as ever, to Venichka for the source.

One confident prediction about Ukraine

2004-11-23T23:09:00.000Z

Within a week a major British or Irish publication will carry a piece arguing that the Ukrainian opposition are just American stooges and should, therefore, be disregarded. After all, the evil US will stop at nothing to get their way. Helping the opposition and criticising the poll, outrageous.

Top prediction: it'll be this guy.

Is Mr Putin going soft?

2004-11-23T22:21:00.000Z

It's been quite for contentious elections. First we had Venezuela's vote on the question Chavez: Bolivarian hero of the poor or dangerous nutter? The answer: it depends on who you believe.

Then there was the recent business in the States (that was newsworthy, I will concede). For all the dire warnings, most people have accepted the result, however grudgingly, but there are a few who are convinced it was a fix.

Now, threatening to outdo them all we have the Ukraine: where again we have millions of people with diametrically opposed visions of their country's future and numerous claims of electoral fraud. At the time of writing the "pro-Western" candidate is claiming victory, but the authorities (who are so anti-Western they sent troops to help the Iraqis have an election; lucky Iraqis) are declaring their own man the winner.

Despite his strong support for Viktor Yanukovych, Vladimir Putin seems to be backtracking on his earlier congratulations on his "victory". My personal adviser on eastern European affairs warns me that things good get very unpleasant. Personally, I think that if Putin really wants to be seen as the heir to the grand Soviet traditions we should worry about him sending in the tanks (who do these protesters think they are?) .

Whatever the future, there are worrying signs. My adviser also warns me that Viktor Yushchenko is prone to paranoid rants about freemasons and that his pro-Western, pro-democracy supporters are rather keen on that

A suggestion

2004-11-23T22:00:00.000Z

Many of my colleagues in the media seem worried about America having too much cultural, economic and political power, but this hardly seems surprising when you consider the number of non-stories from the States which are covered. Today, for instance, a number of European papers and news organisations (my own included, I'm afraid) insisted on covering the fact the former president George Bush hadn't died in a plane crash.

A decent enough story for the local media, but interesting for anyone else? Surely no more interesting than the story that Irish minister Eamon O Cuiv didn't die in a car crash.

America does have its moments of interest; the more astute of you will realise that a site with this name has no quarrel with the American Revolution and the country's subsequent intervention in both World Wars, though rather late on both occasions, is to be applauded. But until the States chose to elect someone of the calibre of Thomas Jefferson or the Roosevelts would it not be politer, and better for our sanity, to deny them the oxegen of publicity?

On the other hand

2004-11-22T21:15:00.000Z

I overlooked one important detail when planning to convert to Islam: Irish genes. Quite apart from a tendency towards alcoholism, a much more serious problem is that any facial hair of mine takes on a distinctly gingerish tinge. I know that the less zealous branches of Islam don't insist on beards, but if I really wanted to join a wishy-washy religion I could join the Anglican church.

Perhaps a better compromise would be to join the Yazidis or Iraq and Syria. These Islamic renegades worship the fallen angel in the form of a peacock (prompting accusations of devil worship from some of the more orthodox types in the area), drink alcohol, shun the colour blue and, best of all, believe that lettuce is evil.

Given that the internet and print media are collapsing under the weight of sanctimonious, self-deluding hypocritical or downright stupid articles about Iraq (no links, I don't want to encourage them) I had hoped to avoid the topic. But clearly these fine people should be given the chance to run Iraq and see if they can do a better job than some of the other people who've had a go.

I am thinking about converting to Islam

2004-11-19T16:23:00.000Z

After a few weeks, the Dutch show little sign of calming down after the murder of Theo van Gogh. Thank goodness their ambassador to Britain has more important things to worry about.

Apparently, Mr van Gogh's film Submission implied that Muslims occupy their time undressing women, indulging in a little rough stuff and writing verses on their naked bodies. To me this is a far more appealing religion than Presbyterianism and I am now seriously considering converting. The ban on alcohol is something of a deterrant, I admit, but perhaps if I was especially zealous about the other stuff, Allah would overlook the odd Bloody Mary.

China: less evil than America

2004-11-17T22:48:00.000Z

I do admire the optimism of the chap who tried to have China's deputy PM arrested during his visit to Ireland. I doubt very much that it spoiled Huang Ju's visit, but it was probably worth a try.

The curious thing is that apart from the usual Falan Gong, Free Tibeters and other knit your own idealogues, China's well documented human rights abuses don't seem to attract the same level of howling outrage when its leaders pop into Ireland to seal a few trade deals as George Bush's visit earlier this year. I know I'm risking social death here, by expressing anything less than utter hatred for George Bush so let me put on record that I don't approve of torturing Iraqi detainees and would much rather they were sent on diversity awareness courses uuntil they agree to take out a year's subscription of the Guardian.

I know that you can't expect the Irish to empathise with a small nation which has suffered centuries of opression at the hands of a larger neighbour which is attempting to eradicate its language and religion so I'll move on to the question which really bothers me.

Why do the Chinese bother with Tibet? It has few natural resources, it's of little strategic importance and most Chinese cannot abide the climate for long. All it is lots of mountains.

Perhaps its pure altruism. After all improvements to their country's health and education services are one of the favourite left-wing defences for otherwise dubious fellows like Saddam and Castro (see also right-wingers on Mussolini's transport policy). It seems the same is the case for Tibet following the removal of feudal theocracy. And no one wants that, do they?

So to re-establish my liberal credentials, I say: well-done China.

I am right and I am wrong

2004-11-17T15:57:00.000Z

It seems I made a smart move in shifting from England to the Irish Republic earlier this year. According to The Economist, Ireland is the best place in the world to live.

Where I was wrong it seems, is imagining that good public transport, healtcare, schools and weather would have some impact on people's satisfaction. The gloomy Brits (down in 29th place) don't have them, but neither do the Irish. The survey seems very keen on low taxes, so I suppose we'd all be much happier going private.

I was also wrong in assuming that ready access to world cultural centres, cheap booze, an open attitude to sex and a whiff of decadence would help. Somewhere like Havana, Tel Aviv or Bangkok. But no: after Ireland come lands of fabled tedium such as Norway and Switzerland. It seems that family values, puritanism, low taxes and plenty of opportunities to sell your soul to a multi-national corporation are what counts. I suppose those deviants in LA and New York dragged the god-fearing heartlands of America down.

Afterthought: Tsk, tsk. Petty-minded begrudgery. You'll never last in Ireland with an attitude like that, boy.

Only a lunatic would oppose this measure.

2004-11-16T18:08:00.000Z

In recent weeks I have noticed a certain amount of, not pride exactly, more quiet satisfaction in the Irish Smoke-Free State. The policy seems to be working, it's been adopted by various other countries, mainly ones with a tradition of puritanism and alcoholism, such as Norway, Scotland and now England (up to a point).

Of course, it wasn't the first place to adopt such a ban (California and New York also have one, though the Bush voting areas seem more liberal in this regard), but the phrase "Irish-style smoking ban" seems to be the slogan of the moment among right-thinking, clean-living types. You know all this. Trouble is, this isn't an entirely new idea.

Turkmenistan introduced one a few years ago.

Clearly Saparmurat Niyazov Turkmenbashi, he country's far-sighted, some might say visionary, leader, deserves more credit for this policy. The least we could do is use the phrase "Turkmen-style smoking ban". After that, who knows? A giant gold statue of Tony Blair, months renamed after Bertie's mother. We can but hope.

Vote Labour, Sleep Tory

2004-11-15T22:54:00.000Z

Still on the O'Grauniad theme (sort of):

One of the downsides about being a journalist is that it is a profession with little aphrodisiacal effect. It might be the dubious types it attracts (plus the poor wages and unsocial hours many of us have to endure.) It would seem that not even Guardian journos are immune judging from this wistful comment from their editorial on bonking Boris:

"The twice-married Mr Johnson's conduct during what is now confirmed as office affair at the Spectator (someone should bottle that magazine's tap water) reinforces the impression that he is Not Serious."

The poor wee lambs.

What the Irish media needs

2004-11-15T22:39:00.000Z

Clearly there is not enough sanctimonious drivel out there for the liberal left to feed off. It was with a joyous heart, therefore, that I learned that The Guardian was making its move on the Irish market.

Okay, I had noticed the blatant plugs on the masthead, but it's the Graun's insight that appeals. Take this gem from today's paper: cycling on the pavements can be dangerous. Where would we be without such wisdom? Reading those well known limp wristed pinkos Mark Steyn and Kevin Myers in the Irish Times, I suppose.

Be patient with me

2004-11-14T03:00:00.000Z

I believe that my intellect is decaying. Splendid.

After spending the early afternoon wading through acres of newsprint and nonsense about Yasser Arafat, John Peel and why women who drink too much, are too fat and can't get a boyfriend like Bridget Jones the three are begining to fuse into one godawful Trinity.

Perhaps the last days of Yasser Arafat would make an excellent diary.

October 21, Ramallah

Cigarettes, 10 (good); Israeli rocket attacks, 3; Suicide bombings, 2 (v. bad).

Stayed in again last night. Ariel still ignoring me: why? Ate a tub of ice cream, but was feeling bloated and unloved so I changed out of combat fatiques and head dress into Noddy outfit and then gaaah, Ali came in with a camera and took a picture of me in that get up. Now I will never be able to show my face at the world leaders club and will probably die alone while my aides argue about how's going to get access to the Swiss bank accounts.

It probably doesn't quite capture Helen Fielding's prose style, but I doubt that's a matter for shame.

More pertinently, I feel the Palestinians would have been better advised to mark their leader's passing by playing Undertones records and making wry, understated speeches rather than behaving like Britons after the death of Princess Diana.