Reasons to read newspapers, but not to watch TV

It has come to my attention that Channel Four is screening a most objectionable programme called Big Brother. It would appear that owing to an unfortunate misreading of George Orwell's prescient novel, the programme makers have conceived of an entertainment whereby, like visitors to Bedlam of old, we are invited to laugh at the antics of various lunatics suffering from sundry disorders such as self-delusion, sexual incontinence, psychopathy and tediousness.

Obviously I have no intention of promoting the wretched affair but I was highly amused to learn that one of this year's contestants is the intriguing Derek Laud: a black, gay, fox-hunting Tory, with a knack for getting himself into unfortunate scrapes.

The reason I mention this odd fish is that he was once the subject of one of the finest newspaper profiles I have ever read (in the Observer, pre-internet I'm afraid; you'll have to visit their HQ if you wish to read it in full).

Apart from quoting his merry ripost to a hunt saboteur who told him "A hundred years ago they'd have been chasing you" - "And two hundred years ago I'd have been eating you." It contained the most brilliant euphemism I have ever encountered. Clearly he was somewhat more cagey about his sexuality in those days, because he was described as "a confirmed bachelor, like most of his close friends". Genius.

Reasons not to read newspapers

When uber-Blairite David Aaronovitch bid farewell to the Graun's G2 section (I assume Seamus Milne wouldn't let him anywhere near his shrine to the blessed George of the oil vouchers) he signed off with the modest remark:

With writers such as Emma Brockes, Laura Barton, Lucy Mangan and Hadley Freeman, not to mention the comic talent of Tanya Gold, you won't miss me.

Sure enough, the amount of tooth-furring bollocks in G2 has remained steady since he left for the Times. By the far the worst has been the following mini-autobiography from Sue Townsend during her stint doing the prize quiz:

Sue Townsend will never forget the night of "shock and awe" when Baghdad was bombed by British and American planes. She wonders if Tony and Cherie gathered their children together to watch the television as the bombs fell on the children of Baghdad.

For uninformative smugness this is hard to beat. Why remember that rather than, say, mass murder in various parts of Africa? Does she imagine a Prime Minister who's just started a deeply unpopular war would have nothing better to do at the time?

Surely she doesn't feel the little virtuous glow of those so convinced of their rightness that there couldn't possibly be an alternative view?

I have no especial desire to choose between the self-deluding hypocrites on both sides of this overblown debate, but I must say that Sue Townsend's approach is as simplistic as Fox News's; only considerably more annoying.

Kill all hippies

I am sure that many of my vintage remember the campaigners who urged us to boycott McDonald's because they were destroying the Amazon rainforest to rear their cattle.

Obviously, they would have been better advised telling us to boycott the stuff because it is truly vile muck served by gormless teenagers; but in a wonderful irony it emerged last week that the people destroying the rainforest were the soya farmers who help to keep the veggie brigade in tofu.

"Much of the destruction has been blamed on the illegal logging of land for soya production, say experts at Nature Conservancy in Brazil."

According to a 2000 Ecologist report the anti-GM brigade are also responsible. Fortunately this one also blames the beef barons.

The latest fad

around blogging types is the list of 10 things I've never done. Some of the one's have read seem to have been written by people with rather limited horizons (imagine that from folks who spend every waking hour in front of a computer). Still I like this one of Harry's, mainly because of the slightly alarming spectacle of himself and venichka drooling over Eighties popstrels.

Here's mine, anyhow. Most of these, I am sure would be character forming in one way or another

1. Taken hallucinogens and then listened to the entire Ring Cycle.
2. Knocked and entered at the portals of the East.
3. Fought a duel.
4. For lust of knowing what should not be known, taken the golden road to Samarkand.
5. Turned my base mettle into gold.
6. Eaten a snake's heart.
7. Come face to face with Satan.
8. Encountered the members of Girls Aloud in a moderately high class bordello.
9. Turned down a knighthood.
10. Paid off my gambling debts in full.

Yes to wind

After all that election nonsense we can at last get back to issues of substance. There were, of course, posts I could have published in the interim; but the world is not yet ready for the story of how the Golden Eagle was introduced to Brixton and discretion towards some of our best known Hollywood stars precludes me from commentating about the strange events in South Kerry earlier this month.

Instead a solution to two long-term problems which confront Western society. The first of these is the looming energy crisis. Most experts would agree that fossil fuels are, erm, fuelling global warming (with potentially disastrous consequences) . So what's the preferred solution: windfarms? (will they generate enough power though?), develop alternative technologies? (unproven as yet) or - as Tony Blair's government are trying to avoid deciding to do - build more non-greenhouse gas-emitting nuclear power stations and upset all those who've been calling for action on global warming?

But at the risk of repeating an old suggestion, I think we can generate sufficient power in a way that tackles another massive problem: the obesity timebomb (TM all journalists in the English-speaking world). Treadmills in schools (or hamster wheels if you've a sense of humour about this sort of thing), excercise bikes in offices - all hooked up to the national grid. What could be cleaner, what could be healthier? Forward not back indeed.