It's a beautiful day (because I haven't heard a squeak from Bono),

Democracy, like the internet is a wonderful thing. The freedom both generate have brought felicity, prosperity and manifold benefits to many. The only problem is that all the wrong sort of people come along and spoil things.

So it is with some caution that I approach the British elections. I need not stress the importance of voting - especially since if you don't, someone else might on your behalf. However, I am aware than my endorsement could be a critical factor in this poll, but since neither the Whig Party, nor the Party of Moderate Progress Within The Bounds Of Law are standing (unless you take Gerry Adams's latest at face value) my support for any party will be conditional.

Labour and the Tories, of course, are too frightful: both seem determined to get the votes of the most unpleasant elements of society by competing to see who can lock up more gypsies and swarthy foreign types (possibly without the right to a fair trial). Kilroy too, seems to be aiming at the Chav vote, his targeted constituency is the sort of place where six St George flags on a Ford Escort is restrained patriotism and pubs hold regular auctions for goods of doubtful provenance.

As for the Lib Dems, I fear that voting for them is rather akin to self abuse. Everyone does it at one time or another, but it is ultimately unsatisfying and not something to boast about.

Which leaves us with an unattractive coalition of oofy tree huggers, swivel-eyed loons and other weird monomaniacs with strange obsessions.

Fortunately, there is a party that offers the requisite excitement and dash to keep the turn out at a healthy level: Respect, George Galloway's merry alliance of Trotskyists and Salafists. With the SWP and Muslim Brotherhood Alliance of Great Britain both on board, voters will have the delicious frison of not knowing whether they will end up with a Cuban style worker's paradise or a Theocracy. Surely anyone with an once of sporting blood would want to back this lot.

I'll maybe do a post on Northern Ireland next week, if I can contemplate that ghastly prospect.

Saturday never comes

Zadok the barber and Nathan the social worker anointed Charles and Cam as...

Of course not. The febrile mixture of fawning sentimentality and mass hysteria surrounding the Pope and Charles and Camilla (what's that? Prince Rainier dead too, you say? Too bad. Let's hope the President of San Marino* is okay or it would complete a terrible week for tiny statelets) is inducing a mixture of nausea and boredom I have not experienced since Princess Diana died. (This is pretty awful too).

Thank goodness for the Grand National.


*Or similar

Final papal ramblings

One has to admire JP's reluctance to meet his boss - I do sympathise with that. However, I was struck by the fact that another over-80, Robert Mugabe, seems to be in perfect health. Let's hope nothing happens to him, eh?

Still: is this a good time to ask which man' s policies are responsible for more deaths in Africa?


Ducks for cover.

Rebranding reaches Vatican

The Last Rites are now known as the Sacrament of the Annointing of the Sick. How reassuring: "I assure you, there's no cause for alarm. It's just a little ritual for those who are feeling a bit under the weather."