Send a Christmas card to Abu Musab al-Zarqawi

With no end in sight to the violence in Iraq, many in the West feel helpless. They cannot stop the fighting between the US-led forces and the insurgents and, as the fate of the country hangs in the balance, they cannot make their voices heard across the noise of gunfire.

This Christmas many of you will be thinking of the people of Fallujah and asking if there is a better way to solve the world's problems.

There is. Inspired by the success of similar campaigns, this blog is launching a campaign to send a Christmas card to Abu Musab al-Zarqawi. In this unique attempt to bridge the divide between liberal democracy and al-Qaida style fundamentalism, every reader is urged to mark this popular Christian holiday by writing to a Jihadist fighting in Iraq explaining why dialogue and reason can be every bit as effective as chopping someone's head off. The person who sends the best Christmas card will win a trip to Iraq to deliver their message in person to the group's leader.

Top celebrities such as Eamon Dunphy, Boris Johnson, Richard and Judy and Harvey from So Solid Crew have been lined up to support the campaign and a selection of their seasonal greetings will be published on this site in the coming weeks.

Please email your messages to this site, or post them in the comments section below. Anyone wishing to sent a hand-written message can contact me for Mr al-Zarqawi's last known address. Before you write, please bear in mind the following points.

1. Be polite. Imagine you are a fanatical Islamist receiving a message from a decadent infidel. It's worth considering how counterproductive it could be if you start from a position of believing that your beliefs and values are better than theirs. Remember also that the person you are writing probably has strong views of their own and may be easily riled.

2. Your message might carry more weight if you introduce yourself by including your name, address and some personal details. Many of the foreign fighters in Iraq have a network of international contacts and, who knows, might be able to introduce you to some of their friends.

3. Try and establish some common ground with the person you are writing to. If you are opposed to chemical warfare, the hacking off of heads and the subjugation of women, you might wish to discuss other topics such as the environment or Africa's debt burden.

4. Don't expect to win all the arguments. Unfortunately some of the fighters might regard your intervention as unwarranted meddling in Iraq's affairs. But surely it's worth a try?

Spurious conparisons of our day

Number 1: Christopher Hitchens is the Orwell of his day.

How so, of course, he shot a fucking elephant.

Afterthought

I have hopefully fixed the picture of the Cossack Che. He really is a versatile student icon, isn't he? Of course, our own anti-war young are also very keen on the fellow. I assume this is because of his well-documented distaste for violence and scrupulous regard for the UN security council's mandates when it came to overthrowing governments.

UPDATE: Che is clearly cursed. Everytime I try to link to the image (http://pora.org.ua/content/view/868/) to text, the rest of the image disappears. Is it a plot by dark forces of irresistable force and intensity (freemasons? the US? Arsenal football club?) or is Che's ghost stalking the web?

Any other conspiracy theories welcome. Clearly the Duke of Edinburgh has some explaining to do.

I am not afraid to speak out

For what I believe to be popular.

I have decided to back the Ukranian opposition. Of course, there are few people in the west who would disagree and to read many reports you would have no idea that there are millions of people who are genuinely backing Yanukovych.

But what swung it for me (apart from the number of excitable young ladies backing Yushenko should any of them wish to take refuge in the west, I am happy to offer them a job as my personal assistant) is the quality of their polemic. It seems that a group of English football fans have joined in the fun.

"Thousands of bastards are gathering near “Dynamo”
According to checked information, some tourists are rather aggressive. They have already broken car “Mazda” that was standing near their group. Some people are saying that the guys are throwing stones at the cars that pass by."

"GOD is with us! And heavy trucks will not help!
Heavy trucks are just not original any more."

Much better than the standard of anti-Bush whinging.

Thanks, as ever, to Venichka for the source.

One confident prediction about Ukraine

Within a week a major British or Irish publication will carry a piece arguing that the Ukrainian opposition are just American stooges and should, therefore, be disregarded. After all, the evil US will stop at nothing to get their way. Helping the opposition and criticising the poll, outrageous.

Top prediction: it'll be this guy.

Is Mr Putin going soft?

It's been quite for contentious elections. First we had Venezuela's vote on the question Chavez: Bolivarian hero of the poor or dangerous nutter? The answer: it depends on who you believe.

Then there was the recent business in the States (that was newsworthy, I will concede). For all the dire warnings, most people have accepted the result, however grudgingly, but there are a few who are convinced it was a fix.

Now, threatening to outdo them all we have the Ukraine: where again we have millions of people with diametrically opposed visions of their country's future and numerous claims of electoral fraud. At the time of writing the "pro-Western" candidate is claiming victory, but the authorities (who are so anti-Western they sent troops to help the Iraqis have an election; lucky Iraqis) are declaring their own man the winner.

Despite his strong support for Viktor Yanukovych, Vladimir Putin seems to be backtracking on his earlier congratulations on his "victory". My personal adviser on eastern European affairs warns me that things good get very unpleasant. Personally, I think that if Putin really wants to be seen as the heir to the grand Soviet traditions we should worry about him sending in the tanks (who do these protesters think they are?) .

Whatever the future, there are worrying signs. My adviser also warns me that Viktor Yushchenko is prone to paranoid rants about freemasons and that his pro-Western, pro-democracy supporters are rather keen on that

A suggestion

Many of my colleagues in the media seem worried about America having too much cultural, economic and political power, but this hardly seems surprising when you consider the number of non-stories from the States which are covered. Today, for instance, a number of European papers and news organisations (my own included, I'm afraid) insisted on covering the fact the former president George Bush hadn't died in a plane crash.

A decent enough story for the local media, but interesting for anyone else? Surely no more interesting than the story that Irish minister Eamon O Cuiv didn't die in a car crash.

America does have its moments of interest; the more astute of you will realise that a site with this name has no quarrel with the American Revolution and the country's subsequent intervention in both World Wars, though rather late on both occasions, is to be applauded. But until the States chose to elect someone of the calibre of Thomas Jefferson or the Roosevelts would it not be politer, and better for our sanity, to deny them the oxegen of publicity?

On the other hand

I overlooked one important detail when planning to convert to Islam: Irish genes. Quite apart from a tendency towards alcoholism, a much more serious problem is that any facial hair of mine takes on a distinctly gingerish tinge. I know that the less zealous branches of Islam don't insist on beards, but if I really wanted to join a wishy-washy religion I could join the Anglican church.

Perhaps a better compromise would be to join the Yazidis or Iraq and Syria. These Islamic renegades worship the fallen angel in the form of a peacock (prompting accusations of devil worship from some of the more orthodox types in the area), drink alcohol, shun the colour blue and, best of all, believe that lettuce is evil.

Given that the internet and print media are collapsing under the weight of sanctimonious, self-deluding hypocritical or downright stupid articles about Iraq (no links, I don't want to encourage them) I had hoped to avoid the topic. But clearly these fine people should be given the chance to run Iraq and see if they can do a better job than some of the other people who've had a go.

I am thinking about converting to Islam

After a few weeks, the Dutch show little sign of calming down after the murder of Theo van Gogh. Thank goodness their ambassador to Britain has more important things to worry about.

Apparently, Mr van Gogh's film Submission implied that Muslims occupy their time undressing women, indulging in a little rough stuff and writing verses on their naked bodies. To me this is a far more appealing religion than Presbyterianism and I am now seriously considering converting. The ban on alcohol is something of a deterrant, I admit, but perhaps if I was especially zealous about the other stuff, Allah would overlook the odd Bloody Mary.

China: less evil than America

I do admire the optimism of the chap who tried to have China's deputy PM arrested during his visit to Ireland. I doubt very much that it spoiled Huang Ju's visit, but it was probably worth a try.

The curious thing is that apart from the usual Falan Gong, Free Tibeters and other knit your own idealogues, China's well documented human rights abuses don't seem to attract the same level of howling outrage when its leaders pop into Ireland to seal a few trade deals as George Bush's visit earlier this year. I know I'm risking social death here, by expressing anything less than utter hatred for George Bush so let me put on record that I don't approve of torturing Iraqi detainees and would much rather they were sent on diversity awareness courses uuntil they agree to take out a year's subscription of the Guardian.

I know that you can't expect the Irish to empathise with a small nation which has suffered centuries of opression at the hands of a larger neighbour which is attempting to eradicate its language and religion so I'll move on to the question which really bothers me.

Why do the Chinese bother with Tibet? It has few natural resources, it's of little strategic importance and most Chinese cannot abide the climate for long. All it is lots of mountains.

Perhaps its pure altruism. After all improvements to their country's health and education services are one of the favourite left-wing defences for otherwise dubious fellows like Saddam and Castro (see also right-wingers on Mussolini's transport policy). It seems the same is the case for Tibet following the removal of feudal theocracy. And no one wants that, do they?

So to re-establish my liberal credentials, I say: well-done China.

I am right and I am wrong

It seems I made a smart move in shifting from England to the Irish Republic earlier this year. According to The Economist, Ireland is the best place in the world to live.

Where I was wrong it seems, is imagining that good public transport, healtcare, schools and weather would have some impact on people's satisfaction. The gloomy Brits (down in 29th place) don't have them, but neither do the Irish. The survey seems very keen on low taxes, so I suppose we'd all be much happier going private.

I was also wrong in assuming that ready access to world cultural centres, cheap booze, an open attitude to sex and a whiff of decadence would help. Somewhere like Havana, Tel Aviv or Bangkok. But no: after Ireland come lands of fabled tedium such as Norway and Switzerland. It seems that family values, puritanism, low taxes and plenty of opportunities to sell your soul to a multi-national corporation are what counts. I suppose those deviants in LA and New York dragged the god-fearing heartlands of America down.

Afterthought: Tsk, tsk. Petty-minded begrudgery. You'll never last in Ireland with an attitude like that, boy.

Only a lunatic would oppose this measure.

In recent weeks I have noticed a certain amount of, not pride exactly, more quiet satisfaction in the Irish Smoke-Free State. The policy seems to be working, it's been adopted by various other countries, mainly ones with a tradition of puritanism and alcoholism, such as Norway, Scotland and now England (up to a point).

Of course, it wasn't the first place to adopt such a ban (California and New York also have one, though the Bush voting areas seem more liberal in this regard), but the phrase "Irish-style smoking ban" seems to be the slogan of the moment among right-thinking, clean-living types. You know all this. Trouble is, this isn't an entirely new idea.

Turkmenistan introduced one a few years ago.

Clearly Saparmurat Niyazov Turkmenbashi, he country's far-sighted, some might say visionary, leader, deserves more credit for this policy. The least we could do is use the phrase "Turkmen-style smoking ban". After that, who knows? A giant gold statue of Tony Blair, months renamed after Bertie's mother. We can but hope.

Vote Labour, Sleep Tory

Still on the O'Grauniad theme (sort of):

One of the downsides about being a journalist is that it is a profession with little aphrodisiacal effect. It might be the dubious types it attracts (plus the poor wages and unsocial hours many of us have to endure.) It would seem that not even Guardian journos are immune judging from this wistful comment from their editorial on bonking Boris:

"The twice-married Mr Johnson's conduct during what is now confirmed as office affair at the Spectator (someone should bottle that magazine's tap water) reinforces the impression that he is Not Serious."

The poor wee lambs.

What the Irish media needs

Clearly there is not enough sanctimonious drivel out there for the liberal left to feed off. It was with a joyous heart, therefore, that I learned that The Guardian was making its move on the Irish market.

Okay, I had noticed the blatant plugs on the masthead, but it's the Graun's insight that appeals. Take this gem from today's paper: cycling on the pavements can be dangerous. Where would we be without such wisdom? Reading those well known limp wristed pinkos Mark Steyn and Kevin Myers in the Irish Times, I suppose.

Be patient with me

I believe that my intellect is decaying. Splendid.

After spending the early afternoon wading through acres of newsprint and nonsense about Yasser Arafat, John Peel and why women who drink too much, are too fat and can't get a boyfriend like Bridget Jones the three are begining to fuse into one godawful Trinity.

Perhaps the last days of Yasser Arafat would make an excellent diary.

October 21, Ramallah

Cigarettes, 10 (good); Israeli rocket attacks, 3; Suicide bombings, 2 (v. bad).

Stayed in again last night. Ariel still ignoring me: why? Ate a tub of ice cream, but was feeling bloated and unloved so I changed out of combat fatiques and head dress into Noddy outfit and then gaaah, Ali came in with a camera and took a picture of me in that get up. Now I will never be able to show my face at the world leaders club and will probably die alone while my aides argue about how's going to get access to the Swiss bank accounts.


It probably doesn't quite capture Helen Fielding's prose style, but I doubt that's a matter for shame.

More pertinently, I feel the Palestinians would have been better advised to mark their leader's passing by playing Undertones records and making wry, understated speeches rather than behaving like Britons after the death of Princess Diana.